Friday, December 30, 2011

Rather Long Tweet of the Day: Randy Blythe of Lamb of God

 D. Randall Blythe Ok, here it is. The ONLY correct and ETHICAL way to wipe your ass. It these economically uncertain times, & with new diseases popping up like bad Republican presidential prospects, this manner of wipeage is CRITICAL to continuation of civilization as we know it, perhaps even the VERY SURVIVAL OF THE HUMAN RACE. As taught to me, by my Dad, you wipe sitting down, front to back, and you FOLD the paper. I'll address each facet of this individually. 

#1. Front to back- I'm glad to hear that NO ONE advocated back to front- this is unhygienic, especially for women. My God, dingleberries in the bush? HORRIFYING. WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING? Or shit on your balls? You will NEVER get teabagged if your nuts have the SLIGHTEST aroma of poo. GROSS. Front to back: for yourself, for your family, for your friends....FOR AMERICA. (fuck yeah!)

#2. Folded toilet paper. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS folded- UNLESS things are SO FUCKED UP down there, and the scene is so messy & straight up ILL that you HAVE to do a pre-wipe wad daubing kind of clean. If it's that messy, you need a shower immediately aftershave anyway. You better have eaten some bad sushi or somethin to warrant the pre-wipe wad clean. Otherwise it's folded. You start off with 2 to 4 squares, depending on the consistency of the dook. If it's runny, go with 4. You CAREFULLY wipe, then fold, then wipe again. You repeat this process until it feels clean. You take a final pass over the brown eye, then you CHECK THE PAPER for visual confirmation of the absence of shit. My old man taught me this, because wadding up paper is WASTEFUL. Like leaving the lights on, the door open to let the heat out, driving the car 2 blocks to 7-11, wadded wiping is an atrocious & UNETHICAL display of gluttony, greed, & disprespect to our planet. Gojira wrote a song about it. Like my Dad used to say "DO YOU THINK I'M MADE OUT OF MONEY, SON?!?!?" If you wad, you hate our planet & want to see all the forests destroyed & replaced with strip malls full of Rack Room Shoes, Hallmark Card stores, & check cashing joints. FOLD! FOR THE PLANET!

#3. Sitting vs Standing. This one TRUELY blew my mind. I had NO IDEA so many people would take a crap, and then actually STAND UP to wipe! WRONG. WRONG. WRONG!!!!!! GODDAMIT WRONG! Were you people raised by STORKS?!? WTF? Since ancient times, long before the toilet was invented, primitive humans pooped in a SQUATTING position. They secured the perimeter, then squatted down to crap. This is NATURAL- the body is positioned perfectly, the intestines, colon, & sphincter are pointed in a direction that is aided by gravity itself for maximum elimination.Then came the toilet, which while not 100% natural at all, places you in a FAR SUPERIOR position than standing to poop & then clean yourself. The cheeks are spread for automatic anal access. You aren't wobbling about uncertainly on one foot, with the possibly deadly consequences of falling & spreading excrement all over the place. Jesus Christ people, I CAN'T BELIEVE you stand there like a Thanksgiving turkey with your ass in the air, wiping blindly like some sort of vertical poop mole. If those checks touch- GAME OVER. Poop shifting around faster than a NASCAR driver in the final lap. SIT AND WIPE. Fold your paper, pop up your preferred cheek, and wipe front to back. This standing & wiping business is a sure indicator that civilization is in trouble and may in fact end next years predicted by the Mayans. SIT DOWN, SON! And if you don't wash your hands after using the bathroom? May God have mercy on your immortal soul. Cuz I won't. SAVAGES. That is all.

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